it's been awhile
Mood:  chatty
it's been awhile. seriously. the reason i got this blog was so that others could not find me or know what i secretly thought. take for instance...my now ex-girlfriend. she reads my blogs i usually post on myspace. well, i just wish she wouldn't. so...thus the reason for me to write here. plus...i feel she's not who she truly is. i think she's putting on this fake persona. but i could be wrong, and i've just never seen this "fake" side of her or this "fake" side is truly who she is. so...i guess that's it for now.

It's been awhile
Mood:  not sure
so i usually only write in this when things bother me about my gf. she seems alittle different lately. like maybe, she seems unsure of our relationship. which only happens when she questions herself. her family i don't think likes me, so i know they don't want her to marry me. why? i don't know. because they don't want her to ever marry me, it makes me not really want to marry her sometimes because I don't wnat them to just tolerate. i think you should embrace your in-laws...in turn they should embrace you. but i guess that really doesn't happen. I think that's because both families think they neither of them (meaning the man and woman involved in their relationship) are good enough for each other. so....that's how that goes.

someone is sending me something for my birthday...i'm so excited, and I just can't hide it...yeah....so i'm gonna take a shower!!!

urggghhhh
Mood:  don't ask
I want to sleep. I told my gf that I need to get this funds request done right away, after class. Urgh. I just I am disappointed that she hasn't kept up her end of what she would say. Which is one of my biggest things I find that would drive me insane.

A rainy afternoon
Mood:  down
Now Playing: my life
It's cloudy outside and the clouds are dropping rain today. I hate rain, but I also know it sustains the very life we live. I also like knowing it waters the lawn without me having to do much.

I got a nice compliment yesterday. my math professor said i should be a math major. he thinks i do pretty well in math as it is. it's just so nice hearing good things about you from the professor.

George Clooney is mad that the word "Liberal" has become such a dirty word. Yeah baby...it's not a bad word at all. He said he's gonna keep on saying it often as he can. Rock on George Clooney!!!!!!

Losing it
Mood:  don't ask
Life is so crazy. Crazy? because I don't know anything anymore.

What is the problem?
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Gone
Seriously, what is the problem? Why or what did I do? I am so confused. I think that....I just don't know what the freak to think. Man...I understand more than one can think.

I have dreams. I want to be content. I don't want to struggle. I want just enough so I can be content.
I want others to be happy. Jeepers.

Once again!
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: the air conditioner
well, life has once again made me feel quite unsure of myself.

my gf told me about some friend who did a very crumby thing to a very good friend of hers. i understand my gf's feelings.

we were on our way to the movies when i asked her about it and if she would tell her best friend's friend about it. she said no because she wouldn't want to hurt him.

she did say something that really hurt me though. she said she would rather break up with me, than tell her best friend's friend. i was so very very very hurt by this. i mean it really hurt. i wanted to cry so bad. she did apologize to me. she told me she meant she would rather hurt herself than hurt him.

we watche the movie must love dogs. which by the way was very good. i felt so lovey dovey after the movie, but it seems my gf wasn't in that sort of mood. all the while, i was thinking she was thinking of her first love during the movie. i know. i know. i am so jealous that she has already had a great love and that it isn't me.

Feeling Insecure
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: Gone
Wondering why? Well, let me tell you. Yesterday me and my gf went shopping in Sioux Falls. On the way back, we started talking about this and that. I told her my secret fear of her ever leaving me for her first true love (although they have never actually dated). She asked me if I would be insecure if she went to see him (his name is Shon and he lives in Indiana). I said I would be a little insecure. And she asked me how I would respond if she had sex with him. I told her I would be mad at her for awhile and it would a little tough to gain her trust back. In a complete reality, I would be devastated because I thought our love would be stronger than that. I know I could never treat her that way. But all of this makes me really insecure about me.

I trust her, I really really do. So that's why I would let her go.

Again, yesterday we went to I-90 ( a 24-hr truck stop/diner). We went and hung with her friends. She has a friend named Jack (yeah a guy friend). She tells me they are best friends. And they tease each other sexually. And this kind of bothers me, not that they could do things sexually together, I mean obviously they could. But for the first time ever last night, it bothered me because if I would do that to her that is tease my friends (who are girls) she would hate me forever. So....these are what are bothering me now. I also don't like sometimes that she tells him everything about our relationship.

Tired
Mood:  don't ask
Now Playing: nothing
well, i feel like shit...oops, didn't mean to cuss. my girlfriend didnt' want to seem to want to talk much tonight. she seems very preoccupied with what's going on in her life with her biological father staying with her.

so i don't know why i feel rejected by her. i'm tired, overemotional and not feeling to well, so maybe i just dont' want to feel shittier. she said to tell her if anything she does makes me feel uncomfortable, well, i can't tell her right now that i feel this way. i just can't but anyway...goog thing she doens't have this address.

Strung along
Mood:  irritated
Now Playing: Cherie's When You Say You Love Me
I think...I'm dumb. My heart is unsure. My mind is unsure. I am playing the role of fool. Does she really love me? Does she love someone else? How or what? Am I looking beyond what is said or just thinking that it could be possible? Should I ask...or not say anything. Should I wait for things to change or just...what? I don't know. Tears are falling thinking of the worse...she really doesn't love me. Does she love this other man, secretly? I think I am a fool. No, impossible. Or is it possible?